Ode to the Toilet
An Anonymous Contributor

Fine latrine,
How have you been?
Hell or high water,
(Quite literally the water)
You’ve been there for me.
In trying times,
Evacuating events,
Shameful stools.

Toilet oh toilet,
However you put it,
To I let all be,
To I let, toilet be.
In the end, like a flush,
Like life’s rush,
What’s left may be skids,
But after we close the lids,
Your story done,
We had our fun,
You’ll be there to help another one.

Summarised eloquently here is the topic of today’s discussion. The pressing issue is that of loveable latrines. Specifically toilets worthy of a peaceful poop. To tell toilets targetable and to turn to try others. On Monash Campus we are faced with an insurmountable task of experimenting not just with uni life, night life, class life, study life but also preserving life - ie defecating - a vital task in all living organisms. Fear not fellow faeces ferrying friends, for below is the ultimate guide to Monash’s best toilet.

We start this list from worst and work up to best:

The best toilets at Monash Uni Clayton

5. LTB toilets

The LTB is located in front of the bus interchange. A hub of travel and exchange for many of the students on campus. PTV has many unique factors that facilitate in bowel movements. Specifically when seats are stolen, surfing the sways your body can’t help but clench to balance and at the same time increasing abdominal pressure. This means that LTB floor one toilets are specifically targeted as the first fix for faeces freedom. This means not only are they likely to be unclean but they are also frequented quite often. Avoid unless absolutely urgent, urgency which I guess is why it is frequented in the first place. Rating 3/10 (proximity to PTV gives its credence)

4. Campus Centre toilets

One can only hope that the previous visitor to the restrooms had not layed to rest unholy fire. But that begs the question where said fire might have originated, without defaming any of the quality establishments on campus (a topic for another time), a certain combination of special spices or poorly prepared foods or one too many laxative coffees might have done the trick. No others place does the perfect storm exist for the mixture of food intolerant, toxin sensitive, spice scared stomachs exist than Campus Centre. So yes, the toilets there obviously contain messes too horrific for humankind to bear witness too. Luckily for us university students barely count as members of that more enlightened order. One may ask why then wouldn’t CC be worse than the LTB? Well, the chance that someone who cooks for a living royally stuffs up their job compared to the chance a ramen extraordinaire, beer snob, sleep deprived, hormonal, parent basement dwelling uni student cooks a literal death trap is a considerable jump in statistical probability. I’m sure you could check that up with the maths professors. And that uni student is coming straight off the bus and their half baked, unfrozen chicken filled, unwashed tomato and expired mayonnaise burrito is coming straight into (and around and outside of) your toilet bowl in the LTB. Rating pi/10 (don’t hate the pun go hate on politicians or something)

3. Library toilets

While libraries try to live up to the expectation of quietness and academia, it’s toilets starkly juxtapose this intellectual ideal - with loud noises and brain cell destroying stenches. There is no question as to the absolute bombshell of a bathroom, for the average intellectual individual library goer would consume a higher caloric diet necessitating such stenchful stools. Nonetheless one can only wonder if breathing in the fumes of intellects could confer some of their intelligence on to us. However, the fact that no one stress studying for an upcoming exam has time to defecate anyway means that the toilets are less frequented. Rating 4/10

2. Menzies Building toilets

There is a secret code when roaming the levels of this building. A language not spoken but understood by the players of this game. The rules are simple: walk into the Menzies, go to the first floor and check the toilets, is there someone there? No, have fun go in. Yes, then move up to the next floor, do this for all 11 floors. Each person takes a toilet to themselves, and yes there are two cubicles per toilet but don’t be that guy who sees one occupied and then takes the one next to them. We are not here to compare loudness or stench. We want peace. Because of the labour involved and the in-frequenting of this building the toilets are usually quiet and relatively devoid of people but most importantly they are clean. And sitting upon your porcelain throne on the 11th floor, high above the problems down below, the windows are open ajar for ventilation, the elevation means the wind sweeps in and makes a beautiful whoosh as it takes the smells away, serenity and peace enjoy it and be grateful it exists at all. Rating 9/10

1.Home

The average human poops once a day. If you do it in the morning you won’t need to for the rest of the day. You can thank me later. 10/10